Help! My Stepdaughter Wrote Me a Letter After Years of Silence. Her Accusations Are Horrifying. (2024)

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Dear Prudence,

I was “Ellen’s” stepmother from ages 5 to 15. She lived primarily with my husband and me since her mother was legitimately unwell. My husband died and Ellen went to live with her maternal grandmother. I was basically told to never contact them ever again. I had no legal standing.

I tried reaching out to Ellen on social media when she was in her 20s. I never heard back. I mourned and moved on. My husband and I are in our mid-40s and have twins. I love my life and my family but I always regret how things went down. Ellen recently wrote me a letter. It was vile. She basically accused me of being the reason why everything in her life went wrong: why she didn’t graduate high school, why she got into drugs, why she had several abortions and later gave up a baby for adoption, and she finished it by writing she hoped a house fell on me. It was a gut punch. I basically raised Ellen, but I was never her mother. Most of her troubles happened during the time I reached out and she never responded. My husband tells me to stop torturing myself—that I couldn’t have known what Ellen was going through if she wouldn’t tell me. I haven’t responded to the letter yet. Should I? What should I say? Is there anything to say at all?

—Love Wasn’t Enough

Dear Love Wasn’t Enough,

If I put myself in Ellen’s shoes, I can guess that she saw you as a mother and felt hurt and abandoned when you gave up custody of her after her dad’s death. She may not understand that this wasn’t your choice, or that you weren’t allowed to contact her. And it may actually be true that the trauma of that experience and her feelings of betrayal contributed to all the issues she faced down the line.

Now, at this point, she’s an adult who is lashing out at you and hoping you’re crushed by a house, so you’re really not obligated to do anything. You didn’t mess up her life, and you don’t deserve that kind of attack. But, if you feel that you’re in a good enough place and you think it might be healing, you might decide to be the bigger person and reach out with an expression of sympathy for what she went through, regret that you couldn’t be there for her, and an explanation as to why that was the case. She sounds like she’s not doing well, so she may or may not be able to process and accept what you have to say. Still, offering her some kindness could be a nice way to honor the relationship you had and what her father would have wanted for her, and hopefully, it might bring you a sense of peace.

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Dear Prudence,

A close friend of mine recently set me up on a date with an attractive woman. We went for dinner, had a few drinks and then she suggested that for $1,000, she’d come back to my place for the night. I politely declined and she expressed some frustration about me wasting her time. My friend was also surprised and “disappointed” that I didn’t take her up on the offer, complaining that I had made him look bad. I’m just a little in shock. I don’t have a problem with sex work but I also do not have any interest in it and certainly never solicited it from my friend. I’ve made it very clear to them that this cannot happen again but I am still at a loss to understand why they would think this is something I wanted and worried that people seem to perceive me in this way. Is this normal? How do I address this?

—Not Like That

Dear Not Like That,

The most generous interpretation of what happened (and this is a stretch) is that you unintentionally communicated to your friend that you were desperate for sex, and he knew you were OK with sex work and decided to gift you this experience. But if that were the case, he should have paid in advance! If you were going to have to hand over $1,000, you could have arranged it yourself. So really, there’s no explaining his nonsensical actions. Unless you are having similarly bizarre misunderstandings with other people in your life, you can rest assured that it’s not you, it’s him. Don’t let it make you doubt or question yourself. Given that your misguided matchmaker wasn’t able to see the error of his ways and tried to make you feel guilty about how you handled the disaster date he created, block his number.

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Dear Prudence,

A few years ago, I suffered an injury which, as well as being permanent, makes walking very difficult and painful, and leaves me at risk for falling at any time. I wear custom orthotics that must be worn within shoes. I’m supposed to wear them as much as I can, which means I really only take them off when I am getting ready for bed, taking a shower, swimming, etc. I am wondering what the correct etiquette is when I am told that I cannot enter a residence without taking off my shoes. Some things to keep in mind:

• The shoe covers from the hardware store are extremely slippery and honestly make it harder for me to walk.

• Wiping off my shoes or washing them will not get them clean enough for this specific host (a family member), only sending them through the washer will, which I am not willing to do because shoes that fit ankle-foot orthoses are pricey and hard to find.

• I cannot wear just anyone else’s slippers because I wear a hard-to-find size.

• I cannot use my wheelchair within the house because the wheels have been outside and cannot be cleaned to the host's satisfaction.

• It never occurred to me to bring slippers as in the past in this particular home, they have been OK with shoes on the first floor. (Also, traveling while as medically complicated as I am is difficult enough without having to take other people's floors into account.)

The host insists that their small children play on the floor and that if I knew how filthy the floors were and what germs shoes bring in, I would not be asking them to wear shoes in the house. They say that if it is so dangerous and painful for me to walk, I should just sit down the whole time.

—Accessibility Denied

Dear Denied,

The host is a jerk for making this so hard for you, and for being so inflexible when it comes to enforcing a rule that totally disregards your comfort and dignity. Even if they’re truly a complete germaphobe, they could offer to remove your shoes and clean them to their satisfaction while providing a place for you to sit (and something to drink) directly inside the front door. It’s unbelievable to me that a scrub brush and a can of Lysol couldn’t do enough to protect their floors from any dirt or microorganisms that you may have picked up while walking outside. But that’s not even the only way forward. They could buy you a pair of backup, indoor-only shoes to keep at their place. I’m sure they’re not cheap, so if the cost was an issue, you two could split it or make a plan to save up together. The point is, there are options! And if they cared about you, they would make an effort. But they haven’t done that. I personally would not choose to visit the home of someone who’d made it so obvious that I didn’t matter to them.

Dear Prudence Uncensored

“I just can’t imagine this is the kind of family that’s treating you well in the first place.”

Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’sDear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

Our nephew Josh died suddenly almost a decade ago when he was a teenager. It was a nightmarish time for everyone in the family, but we rallied around his parents (my husband’s sister Anna and her husband Andrew). The first Christmas after his passing, my husband’s other sister Sandy had the idea to give “Josh” a present, a book that had recently come out on a subject he’d been passionate about. Anna and Andrew accepted the gift graciously and I assumed it would be a one-time thing, or we would pivot to making a charitable donation in his name around the holidays or something to that effect. However, in subsequent years the expectation for Josh’s gifts have only gotten more demanding—Sandy told us that we should ALL be getting him something for Christmas, and when I offered that perhaps my family would make a donation to a cause he supported, I was told this was not good enough and that we were all expected to give physical gifts. Honestly, I was even OK with that, thinking we could give Anna and Andrew items that commemorated Josh’s life, like a locket with his photo inside, but was told that these gifts had to be items “for” Josh, as if he were still with us.

I wouldn’t even care if we “gave Josh” a speaker that his parents used or whatever, but these items go into his bedroom and are never touched or used. One year we were given a custom hockey jersey with his name on it and Andrew mused that maybe they’d frame it, but I was at their house a year or two later and saw it thrown among the mountain of stuff they keep in his room. It’s not just Sandy’s idea to do this either; Anna and Andrew are pretty adamant that this gift-giving needs to be part of the holidays specifically as if Josh were still with us. Last year, my 9-year-old daughter gave everyone (two sets of aunts and uncles, one set of grandparents, as well as her brother and us) hand-painted ceramic figures she made in art class. She worked hard on these pieces and thoughtfully chose items that each relative would like. Anna asked her where Josh’s was, and when my daughter pointed out that she’d painted a symbol on Anna’s butterfly figurine that represented Josh, Anna rolled her eyes and said it wasn’t the same. I was exceedingly proud of my daughter for how much work and consideration she’d put into these gifts, and she was left feeling that her efforts weren’t enough.

I sympathize with Anna and Andrew, as the idea of losing a child is literally what keeps me up on my worst nights. I cannot imagine their grief and I understand that healing is not linear and that often unconventional rituals can bring some level of peace even if it doesn’t make sense to outsiders. But I am really starting to hit my limit with being told I have to get a gift for my deceased nephew every year, gifts that just sit in his room and do not honor his memory or help anyone in a tangible way. I want to figure out a better way to handle this well ahead of the holiday season this year. Any ideas? How unreasonable am I being? My husband also thinks it’s not a great use of money but is pretty content to just do as he’s told.

—Grief-Filled Gifts

Dear Gifts,

You say you can’t imagine Anna and Andrew’s grief, and I’m sure that when Josh died you would have done anything to minimize their suffering. So let’s reframe the way you look at this. You are not being forced to get a useless gift for your deceased nephew. You are being given an opportunity to support his parents as they cope with one of life’s most painful tragedies. They’ve done you a favor by telling you exactly how they’d like to be supported. As a result, you don’t have to figure out whether you can mention his name around the holidays. You don’t have to agonize over whether to send a card or flowers on his birthday. You don’t even have to collect donations for an annual charity walk in his memory. They have given you the gift of precise instructions for giving them comfort. That’s great. So just get the presents. I do think it’s appropriate to ask that the requests go through you and not your children—it was wrong of Anna to put your daughter on the spot. But aside from that, all you have to do is hit “order” and reserve judgment. Even better if you can do it with compassion and love.

Dear Prudence,

I am engaged to a single mom. The kids are 12 and 8. We have been together for four years and lived together for one. Her ex left when the youngest was 2. He was barely in their lives, and never paid child support, but bam, he found the Lord so all is forgiven! My fiancée just folds herself into pretzels to play pretend to the kids that their dad is really changed and wants to play the part. He shows up, when it suits him, drops a bunch of gifts, and makes a bunch of promises he will not keep. When he doesn’t show up, she lies to the kids that their dad had to work or he called to say he would be here another day. The kids are confused and crestfallen.

My fiancée and I fought when we had plans for spring break but her ex promised to take the kids white water rafting. The oldest got confused when I talked about buying plane tickets for our trip when they were supposed to go with their dad. I didn’t think, just laughed and said it wasn’t going to happen. It was a stupid mistake and I apologized. But my fiancée took it to another level. I am never to talk to “her” kids about their father. I don’t get to have an opinion on how she parents “her” kids, and how and when they see their “real” father. Six months ago, they were “our” kids. A year ago, they were “our” kids when I had to pick up extra shifts to pay for braces, I did all the school runs, and took care of the house after my fiancée had a serious surgery. Her youngest still calls me daddy, but right now it feels like those days are numbered. We have already been fighting over the custody order being a mess and she doesn’t want to go to court over child support. I know her kids would always come first but right now I don’t feel I even make the list. Is there any hope or do I just have rose-colored glasses on?

—Step Up or Step Down

Dear Step Up or Step Down,

It doesn’t sound like you have rose-colored glasses on at all. You seem to see this conflict very clearly, and you have a skepticism about your future with this woman that is pretty appropriate. Becoming a stepparent requires levels compatibility, selflessness, generosity, and shared values that go even beyond what you need in a relationship that doesn’t involve kids. And none of those seem to be present here.

While I can definitely understand your frustration with the dynamicbetween your fiancée and her ex, it falls solidly into the category of Things You Observe And Decide Whether You Can Tolerate. It’s not something you would be wise to try to manage, judge, or shame her into changing. Your slipping up and making a harsh comment to the kids about their dad (although I’m glad you apologized) is a bad sign. It tells me that your frustration and bitterness about the situation have gotten the best of you, and that, despite what you’ve invested in these children, you stand to be another man in their lives who isn’t great for them emotionally. Frankly, I think your fiancée letting her youngest call you, “Daddy” when there is a biological dad in the picture, and you’re not even married yet, is another sign that all the adults in this story need to stop and regroup and think about making better choices going forward.

Children aside, the feeling that you don’t come first or even make the list of priorities is enough to put the brakes on any relationship. Call off the wedding. You can keep dating if you both want to, but there’s no indication that making this situation more serious and permanent would be healthy for any of you. If, down the road, things have changed and you find yourself saying, “I love this woman and the choices she makes and I can see myself fitting into this family exactly as it is now,” that will be your sign to think about marriage again.

Dear Prudence,

My sister and I recently had a falling out. She and I have always been polar opposites, and we have never been very close. However, she recently told me that I was less important to her than any of her friends, and she has hundreds of friends. This shocked me. It was so hard for me to believe what I heard, I asked her to repeat herself a few times, which she did. There could be no confusion regarding her intentions. She wanted to hurt me badly, and she did.

Now she denies saying anything like that. She’s telling me that I remember it wrong. I feel like she’s gaslighting me. She is an extremely popular person who lives a few hours from me. I am an extremely introverted homebody. Regardless of our differences, it is my opinion that anyone who would tell a family member what she told me is being purposefully hurtful and abusive. Lately, I have been standing up for myself more when they make fun of me or shame me. I am much more apt to defend myself than I used to be. It feels good to stand up for myself but it feels bad to recognize that need, to see that my own family has never respected me or had my back. (My mom has called me lazy since I was 3. My dad only remembers mistakes I’ve made during my life.)

I am wondering if I just need to end it with all four of them. I’m 55 years old and I’m tired of being the butt of my family’s jokes. How will I know if it’s time to say goodbye? People like to say that blood is thicker than water, but I’m not so sure. When I imagine moving across the country from them, I smile on the inside. Even though my family openly admits to abusing me in my youth, they don’t seem very apologetic. How do I make it stop? I don’t have a family of my own (too screwed up) and I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but where do I draw the line between needing them in my life and hoping they won’t hurt me?

—Forever the Black Sheep

Dear Forever the Black Sheep,

Fifty-five years of experience with your family is a lot. More than enough. The line in your letter that most convinced me that you should rent a U-Haul and prepare to move now was, “I smile on the inside.” That’s a powerful feeling, and if I had to choose between it and the feeling of being gaslighted and misunderstood, there would be no debate. So move. Give yourself a new life!

My only suggested tweak to the plan is that I don’t think you have to view it as formally declaring that your parents and sister are out of your life. Think of it instead as creating a new life that is full of people who treat you well and make you feel good. These fulfilling relationships will naturally make the bullies in your family of origin less important and, as a result, less painful when you do decide to interact with them. But I do think it’s important that you pair your move and quest to find a community with therapy. You’re probably very used to playing the role of black sheep and I want to make sure you have support to ensure you don’t unintentionally recreate that by forming bonds with people who treat you just as poorly as you’ve been treated in the past. You don’t just need space from your family, but also from your identity as the person who’s constantly being hurt.

Classic Prudie

I married my partner in a quiet online ceremony due to COVID. I’m a man, she’s a woman, and we had decided beforehand that I would take her last name. We had a few reasons for this decision, one of them being that her name would sound like a famous comic book character (think “Lois Lane”) if she had taken mine. We didn’t mention this except to a few friends, since it didn’t seem like big news. My family never asked, and I never thought to mention it, so they heard about it for the first time on our wedding day when the officiant announced our names…